tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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