Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
