that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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