I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
