he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
