I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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