Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You ruined the universe
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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