i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
