You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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