I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
