We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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