I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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