Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
