I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
