I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
