Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
