i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
