Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
