During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
