I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My ass is underappreciated
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
