Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
