i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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