I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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