Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
