they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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