I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
