So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
