just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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