So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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