Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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