If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
