If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I cut my penus on the lid.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
