I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
