I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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