What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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