eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
When are your genitals available?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
