remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
