you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize