Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
