So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
