3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
