You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
