If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
