Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
