Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize