dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
