I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I deserve this hangover.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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