Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
