I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
