Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
