she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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