okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize