so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
