remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
