from now on my penis is your penis
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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