Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize