Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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