just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
