The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We're too hungover to prance.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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