He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Randomize
