There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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